I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Fights fire with marshmallows
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.