We like the way Dwight thinks
You Might Also Like
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
You had me at “define legal”.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.