WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
This could be us… but you playing