Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
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I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
PLEASE READ
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Bike is short for Bichael.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”