I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
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Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.