[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think