When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Bring back the McRib
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?