The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
You Might Also Like
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Okay me first
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual