Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
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interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
How did we not see this back then?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!