Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
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me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down