“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
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Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Favourite diary entry ever
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴