hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
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I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
How actors in movies eat their food
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.