Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and