It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
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Haha good job!!
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app