applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
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I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.