Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
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Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I love the honesty
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell