Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
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Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.