Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
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A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax