My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.