I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses