The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
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Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.