this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
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I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.