watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
You Might Also Like
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.