My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
You Might Also Like
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.