Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
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Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah