You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
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trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
also my go-to takeaway order
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
is this how new cars are made??
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently