Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
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friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
you gotta be faster
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”