Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.