Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
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Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND