I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
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During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
My dress code is business-casualty.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM