That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.