I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
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Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Isn’t
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.