Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.