Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
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My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
i baked you a cake
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena