My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.