Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
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I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
⚠️ Important Reminder:
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Computer: shutting down
Me: same