[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
goldfish mafia
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.