Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
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I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I enjoy a good short stor
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.