Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
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Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
🖤✌🏽
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.