-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”