I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
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“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.