Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
You Might Also Like
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.