The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?