[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
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Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
bought wrong eggs
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.