cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
You Might Also Like
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
scrabbled eggs
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself