Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
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Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese