It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
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WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?