When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
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Monday
My time has come.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.