The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
You Might Also Like
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota