I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
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Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!